From the Sublime To The Ridiculous…
A couple of months back I was in a Mexican street food restaurant with a couple of my friends, slightly euphoric at actually making it ‘Out’ out. The atmosphere was lively, and it was fairly packed.
Sitting on long benches, canteen style, our group was wedged firmly in between two groups of twenty-something hipsters clearly lining their stomachs before a night out on the razz.
I’m crap at keeping focussed in these types of scenarios. Mainly because other conversations are being held so close to my own that my ears tend to get distracted. I find myself zoning out of the conversation at hand and ear-wigging on the chatter of the neighbouring group.
Predictably, I was halfway through a conversation of my own when distraction struck and I overheard one of the next party along, mid-soapbox, prattling on about what they *definitely* wouldn’t do when they had kids. A passionate (and somewhat hilarious) conversation ensued.
At the point where they declared that parents shouldn’t allow their kids to have tantrums in public I snorted loudly into my chimichanga. I had to pretend I was clearing my throat to deflect them realising I was trying not to laugh.
We’ve All Done it
Around 6pm last night I was sitting, knackered, on the couch in my jogging bottoms, shouting at my kids to stop shouting (the irony of this statement does not escape me).
Wine in one hand, phone in the other, TV blasting Hey Duggee in the background. Taking stock of my immediate circumstances, my mind wandered to my pre-Mum days.
Pre-baby me was basically one of the misguided hipsters there in that restaurant (minus the love of craft beer and the heavily bearded boyfriend).
I had a ridiculous concept of what I thought parenting would be like, and the sort of parent I’d be.
My daftest ideas included:-
Natural birth –
I was very clear about this – There was no way I would let anything hamper this natural process. I would definitely have an all natural birth. Possibly in a birthing pool. At Home. Surrounded by scented candles. With rose petals scattered around me…
Everyone should do it, there’s no excuse. “Because it’s the most natural thing in the world”.
Cloth Nappies –
Disposable nappies are such an irresponsible choice, man. It’s so bad for the environment.
I’ll Make Sure I Get Back Into Shape Quickly
It can’t be that hard.
It Won’t Stop Me Going Out –
I’ll still go out with my newborn baby, I’ll simply take her with me. And when my kids are older I’ll “Just get a sitter”.
I won’t shout at my kids –
I’ll just speak to them calmly, on their level (I’ve seen Supernanny).
My Kids Won’t Be Allowed Screen Time
…And I’ll limit their telly.
I’ll Make All My Own Food
From scratch. And it’ll all be organic.
My Kids Will Only Have Educational Toys
There’s no way I’m buying battery operated plastic tatt.
I’ll Teach Them a Second Language Whilst They Are Young And Can Absorb It Quickly
Because I read about it in a magazine article one time.
I’ll NEVER Say ‘Because I Said So.’
Because if you don’t explain, they’ll never learn, silly.
More Of The Most Fabulously Misguided Parenting Preconceptions, Pre-Conception
And it turns out that I’m not the only one. I asked some other parents in the blogosphere what their most ridiculous pre-parent parenting ideas were, and they came up with some blinders:-
Linda from Mother Distracted – I thought I’d be drifting through flower filled meadows wearing Laura Ashley dresses with my bay strapped to my chest. It hasn’t stopped raining since 2007, Caitlin and Leuan hated the baby sling and I’ve discovered parenting can make you rather ‘tense’.
Pete from Household Money Saving – I thought I would be very laid-back, cool, calm and collected. Plus, my kid’s friends would all love my jokes. I have failed at all 5. Or so I’m told. I think my jokes are a winner.
Jenna from Then There Were Three – Oh god.. no junk food, no TV, never in my bed, no dummies, no bad manners.. says the Mum who’s kid loves McDonald’s, her iPad and now shouts “DIE” at me!
Hayley from Winging it With Two Boys – I told myself I’d never shout at my kids, now I’m a total dinosaur Mum, and I bellow at my kids… I scare my husband some days!
Victoria from The Growing Mum – I’d make sure all toys were put away every evening so our house looked tidy and not toy-infested. Everything would have its place. Well… They sort of do as most toys now live permanently outside the toy boxes like balls under the sofa, cars on tv stand, spoons on sofa arms etc
Erica from The Little Bargain Hunter – I just thought I would know what I was doing… Two and a half years in I’m still none the wiser!
Nita from Mummy Wishes – That my kid will not be the kid that throws tantrums or have a meltdowns in public…
Gemma from Mummy in the Madhouse – When I was younger my mum would use certain phrases to myself & my siblings when we got a telling off, I vowed I would NEVER be like my mum. So… It happens I’m EXACTLY like my Mum, sometimes it scares me!
Christy from Welsh Mum – I said I’d never have my baby in the bed with me. It forms bad habits, don’t you know… three sleepless days later and I realized I was an idiot!
Kelly from Kelly and the Kids – My children were NEVER having games consoles, I wasn’t having socially inept kids with rickets….no way!!! – Obviously we have more consoles than kids!! No rickets though – Yay!!!
Jade from Raw Childhood – Me and my OH always thought we would be the cool parents – Turns out that we dance wrong according to our 4 year old, and it’s actually cool the way he does it when he grabs his crotch.
Emily from A Slummy Mummy – I thought I’d be a cool mum and I promised myself I’d understand my child when they were a sarcastic tween…… now I have a 12 year old… I’m frumpy, grumpy and can’t stand her backchat!
Alice from Letters To My Daughter – I thought I would probably just get rid of the TV because we rarely watched it anyway and I’d be playing and reading with my daughter instead… But Playdoh gets really dull after about 5 minutes, and sometimes you just want to cook dinner without having to retrieve cars from under the sofa every 5 seconds, you know?!
Nicola from The Mummy Monster – I really thought I was going to be Mary Poppins but it turns out I am more Cruella Deville! I scream, I shout and have ended up pretty much knackered the whole time.
~ So there we have it… Conclusive proof that we were all, in fact, naive idiots when it came to parenting, pre-parenthood ~
In the end, we’re all just winging it really aren’t we? It can be hard sometimes – Well done us for managing it all so far. Now, pour yourselves a glass of wine and put your feet up for a bit. No doubt it’s been a long day.
Shout out to the surprisingly wise Mamas (and Daddas) out there!
What stupid ideas did you have? Tell me all about it in the comments below,
P.S. Lastly but not leastly, there were loads more funny comments from these fabulous blogging types below too. I couldn’t squeeze them all in but you can check out their lovely blogs to hear their take on things (thanks guys!):
Nicola from Woman in Progress, Kate from Kate on Thin Ice, Veronica from Wave To Mummy, Nina from Gaagaaland, Liberty from Liberty On The Lighter Side, Aleena from Mummy Mama Mum, Laura from Five Little Doves, Laura from Autumn’s Mummy, Beth from Twindelermo, & Kat from Confessions of a Working Mum
If you liked this post, you might like some of my other blogs too, especially this one about all the weird shit that happens to your body after you’ve had a baby (possibly not ideal to read if you’re easily embarrassed though tbh, you have been warned!)
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